i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Randomize
