If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
