so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Randomize
