Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Randomize
