ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize