Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Randomize
