They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Randomize
