Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Randomize
