She's JV to your varsity
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
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