you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
