so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
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