Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
