I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
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