Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize