The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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