It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
She told me I should be a condom model.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
