Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Randomize
