Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
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