apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
