Whod you bang
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
