He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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