Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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