They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
Hippo gnu deer
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Randomize
