i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Randomize