I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
