Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
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