You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Randomize
