So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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