She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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