just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
