i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
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