Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
whose parrot is this?
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
