im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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