im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
