Any of you guys fuck a 16 year old again? Because our front yard got fucked over high school style.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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