so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
he was CRYING into my vagina
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Randomize
