i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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