I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
