Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
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