i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
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