My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Randomize
