Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
