haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Randomize
