there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
