yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
