I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Randomize
