Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
