How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Randomize
