I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
The beer is more important than you right now.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
Randomize
