I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
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