I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize