Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Randomize
