I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
