Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Randomize
