why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Randomize
