Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
