Old men and throwing up are my life now.
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Randomize