I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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