and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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