Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
