Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize