Your face is a jimmy john
dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
high people should be assigned attendants
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Randomize
