I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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