mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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