LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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