I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
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