did you get engaged???
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
