my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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