I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
