Think the blond can even spell "shiksa"?
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
