My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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