How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
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